Sn0w_MaN Pte Ltd

2012-02-02T00:09:00.000+08:00

mum was giving me a wake up call asking me what have i been doing all these while?? i dunno.. no answer to it. I know she is talking abt my study.. she was complain that even DT is gonna complete her study and when will it be my turn.. i know i feel it.. i cant help but to quarrel with her over this.. I got no explanation to it.. yes is my fault.. is me who are so call lost here and there and trying my best to get there.

2012-02-01T01:05:00.000+08:00

If you have 1 words to describe your feeling what will you use? 'Trust' that heavy word that always used by most people, but how much do you trust that 'trust'? However you chose it, may your word serve you well. May it guide you, encourage you, remind you, inspire you. May it whisper to your soul when you need it most. May it push you past the not so good days and help you celebrate all life has in store for you. You have only just begun your journey this year, now you need to have faith that your word is the one, and then trust in the process. Embrace this new year, as you have embraced your word. If you are still searching for your word, it will come, trust in that. Perhaps when you least expect it, or stop trying to find it, it will find you.

2012-01-31T00:10:00.001+08:00

Here’s the word I need today... calm... for a Monday, with a busy week ahead of work, needing to focus, and not get overwhelmed.... alongside all the life stuff that comes my way. I'd like to be calm.

2012-01-27T02:40:00.000+08:00

sometime i just got the that kind of stupid feeling that we are just like some divorced couple.. this kind of stupid feeling just keep going around my mind.. wondering why do i have such a thought..

2012-01-20T02:28:00.000+08:00

People tell me to believe in family love.. tell me to love them more cause they are the only one that will be there for us when we needed them. I try very hard to believe in what others tell me, i try to feel the love that i have from this family but instead of love we exchange more ugly greeting. We dont see eye to eye.. everyone behave selfish or maybe i am the selfish one. They hold hand in hand and i am the only odd one out.. Maybe i am the problem one that i cant see the problem myself, maybe i am the one who keep pointing finger at others but not myself.

I dunno what else i can do to make this family better.. I was at her house just now, sitting at the playground alone. I was asking myself should i msg her, to ask her kept me for 1 night. Telling her that i just dont feel like going home, tell her that i just need a listening ear, i just wish that someone that i trusted the most and understand me the most r there for me when i needed someone.

I was crying.. crying so badly like a little child. I ask God for direction, i ask God what else i can do to make it better, he say to my heart.. cry out loud.. i will give u my shoulder to cry on. Sometime i dont understand why do i still pretend i am alright when i know my heart is not doing well. I wish she was there when all these happen at least i will not feel so left out.

2012-01-18T01:32:00.000+08:00

Have you been so lost that in ur life u dunno what to do... keeping asking God for help but seem to be like.. he also dont want to bother about u.. There are so many reason why behind every story that we have.. but end of the day we just need to have some faith with him. I was once lost and God found me back, i cried so badly and no one was around.. but God pick me up and say... Child.. i am always here for u no matter what happen. He told me that i just have to be patient with what i am having.. this is the process of life.. i just have to learn to accept them.

I am not the best person to believe in him.. but sometime we just have to some faith in order to realise that God is actually around.. now.. i just hope this yr will be a good yr for me to move on.

2012-01-11T02:21:00.001+08:00

This was taken in 1st day of 2012, i have a beautiful sunny sunday and i thank God for the amazing sunset he have given to me. I told myself this is gonna be a new start for me and everything gonna start new. I pray and ask for peace in the heart, pray to ask God that maybe me and her will talk again. I know i shouldnt look back anymore, i should let those things behind and move on. We met again in class.. i dunno how to behave when i met her but i am surprise my heart no longer pump for her. My heart become flat and i couldnt feel any beat, i wonder why? Have i gotten over her or have i just gotten used to this kind of feeling.. i ask myself again the same qus.. i did my heart check and i realise that i might begin to learn how to accept the fact. We become stranger, we hardly talk, we hardly have eye to eye contact, I saw the change in her outfit and looks, she becoming more mature, more womanly. I am really happy for her and just hope she is also happy with what she is doing now.

There are so many time that i wish to ask her out for a chat but i realise we can no longer be like last time again. Maybe the person we love the most no longer can be friends again. Because it is hard to accept the fact the either one have broken that precious heart. So many things wanna to ask and talk about it.. but does it matter to ask or to know about it. I guess i am just a random person in her list of friends, perhaps it is just a common name that she will remember only.

2012-01-07T01:37:00.001+08:00

It is quite a bad fri to start and end with. I wonder is God testing my faith for him, he wan me to trust him or is he trying to show me something... I dunno what did I do to deserve such thing in life, ppl tell me value family 1st more than anything. I did and I try my very best to put in effort. But it seem to be like everyone in my family is not doing that. No one wan to bother about it, everyone just live with their own selfish life, when things goes wrong they start point finger.

When I received the call from mum.. I know something wasn't right, my guessing was right.. She was telling me the problem and etc.. Surpising I wasn't that angry, maybe I expected such thing will happen. If I blame mum for it does it help? if I scream at her will everything be the same? I am so tired that such thing will happen at least once a year, it become a normal thingy as part of my life. As I was abt to end the call my mum even shoot the problem to me.. She claim that I am behind all these incident.... When I hear such thing, I am totally speechless. Is because of my bad record or izzit because she is angry with the incident. I am angry, piss and disappointed. I can't believe such words will come out from my own mother. The woman I love and respect the most. Maybe I have bad attitude that no one will believe it. I am at the edge of tearing, I wish I can hug someone at that moment. I keep asking myself why why why?? Why it happen to me, why does it happen to my family, why must end with it like this???

She always tell me no matter what family will always be there for u when u needed help but now it seem to be so untrue. The more I wan to believe the more unexpected thing is coming up to let me cannot believe it. Who can't understand what I am going thru, who will believe that I am really innocent?? I really wonder..

2012-01-04T01:46:00.000+08:00

不想要假期我没地方可去
不需要狂欢人群只是空虚
多数的关心只是嘴上说而已
真正懂我的人是自己
我的眼睛一做梦就看到你
一闭上就想哭泣
笑容忽然间变成奢侈品
我的生活充满了和你有关的记忆
每每靠近满城风雨
就让我忙得疯掉忙得累到
连哭的时间都没有最好
就让我忙的忘掉你的怀抱
它曾带给我的美好
当有人问好不好怕伤心夺眶
就咬牙说我很忙
这完美的谎完美的伪装
才让我的痛没人看到
你在哪里曾是每天要问你的一句
我要戒断这种恶习
当一个麻痹的人那有多好
心里美别的只有忙忙忙
工作是一种抵抗一帖解药
人怎能被想念打倒

2011-12-31T21:37:00.001+08:00

2011 have come to the end. It was a messy year and i say that every year. I have never been so lost and down ever since 2001 and 2011 have make the history again. I really hope 2012 will be a better year. I really want to thank God for put great frens in my life.. without them i will not be able to complete my 2011 with a smile on my face. If i need to use 1 word to complete 2011 i will like to say Thank You. I been through the most lowest point in life and what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. I fall and no one pick me up.. i look again i realize is me who dont want to get up. Walking out from the comfort zone is not easy, eating the humble pie is tough. But when u see the harvest and the effort u put in that is something which is really belong to u only. Well i completed my 2011 with a ending of where 'we' 1st started, when i passed by that place it doesnt bring up much affection anymore.. memories still flash across my mind. I smile and say thank you silly pig. I have my best memories over there and those 'little secret' will always be kept within us only.

2012 will i be able to put her behind? well saying is easy but when doing is hard, sometime when i have my small talk there will still be her around. Mum and sisters will bring up her once awhile. Friends will still ask how is she doing, i will still see her in school. I will still thought about her and miss her too. Well i only can wish her best, hoping that she is always that bubbly girl that i know. Maintaining this kind of R/S that we are having now feel quite ok or maybe i am just used to it. I just hope that 2012 will be a better year for me and a wonderful year for her.

XoXo,
Sn0w_MaN

2011-12-24T22:02:00.000+08:00

It is xmas eve, i wish her all the best. I am spending my 1st snowing xmas, wish that she is here with me.

xoxo,
Sn0w_MaN

2011-12-16T02:51:00.000+08:00

*glad that the xmas present make you smile :P

2011-12-15T00:38:00.001+08:00

I suppose to go over to her place to pass her the pre xmas present but thinking about she dont really like me to go over and plus i am kind of busy recently i decided to msg her dad. Surprise that me and her dad still can get along well, it is like we have becoming frens. Well i mean didnt mean anything just get so used to being part of her family, it is like everything u do u will just thought about them. I bought her a small little gift, something not useful but hope she like them. well pre xmas present because i will not be in sg. The 1st time in my life i spend it out of sg, well since i no longer tie up with a r/s i must go see the world more. I am just looking forward to 2012 to have another piggy trip again with her.

P.S: i miss u!!!

2011-12-14T00:48:00.001+08:00

something came across my mind today, i suddenly thought about her room. I suddenly remember the 1st time we did a big spring cleaning in her room. Me and her bro.. we painted, we clean and rearrange that little room that we used to have. We painted her fav color, she also drew a big snowflake for me. It is like a brand new start of having our own world.. when i think back i just grin...

2011-12-09T00:08:00.001+08:00

I am not happy.. How I wish u r here to share with me!!

2011-12-05T20:54:00.000+08:00

Today I am here at a place where I found myself again. A place where I wish to spend my holiday with her, a place where I just want to be jus with her. When I step into the mingshu it jus bring back the memories that how I plan my surprise for her. Those time that I jus wan her to feel like a princess again. Now I only can keep those moment by myself and wait someone else to come along again. I just want yo say I miss u!!!

2011-12-01T22:57:00.000+08:00

Looking at myself again.. i think back and ask.. why am i doing this again.. when both strong character person trying to get together is really hard to compromise properly. Don't know who should lead who should stay, dont know who should slow down or who should pick up. Sometime i feel that trying too hard will just make things worse.. asking myself to be patient it just make me feel dumb about waiting. Maybe this is call 1 sided love..I dunno how to say about such feeling, it is like not here not there. I just wish that I have the courage to express it the way I want it to be.

2011-11-28T01:53:00.000+08:00

I like this feeling and i hope it just bring us closer. Smiling to sleep tonight.

2011-11-21T19:59:00.000+08:00

Today I am so not myself.. Showing the quiet side of me to others is something that I usually don't do. I can't help but have to stop pretending that I am happy, I just can't smile or be bubbly. I am not really emo.. Jus tired.. Maybe from the trip. Looking back at my past I see And compare those happinss that my fren bought me right now. The things that I am going thru is something that she can't give me in the past. Am I happier right now.. Maybe I am.. But have I really let go? I also dunno maybe soon or maybe not. Recently was hook into some funny 'r/s' with someone, nothing bad but I am not active in it also. I am just afraid of commitment cause I tried before but still end up is just empty promise. Let God plan everything if it meant to br this way than it will be. Either way I am good. With or without it doesn't make a diff.

2011-11-18T01:14:00.001+08:00

Accept yourself. Love yourself just as you are. Your finest work, your best moments, your joy, peace, and healing come when you love yourself. You give a great gift to the world when you do that. You give others permission to do the same: to love themselves. Revel in self love. Roll in it. Bask in it, as you would the sunshine.
—
Melodie Beattie

2011-11-12T22:53:00.001+08:00

A simple raindrop, the little flower that is blooming, the tiny dew drop in the grass, the view that I have seen for years... all are now shiny and new as though seen through lovers' eyes. The true beauty in the simplicity of life is there and you will certainly find it... if you just open your heart to it.

2011-11-10T00:01:00.000+08:00

________________________________________________________________________________________________

Through my lens i see

a beautiful world because

my heart is open

________________________________________________________________________________________________

Do you remember when you first fell in love? Life and everyone around you became beautiful. Each moment was precious. Any differences were easily overlooked. The silliest things made you feel like a kid again. I have found that you can feel the same way when you open your heart to creativity, you will fall in love with the world around you.

2011-11-08T23:57:00.001+08:00

Took this while i was thinking abt it.. wish that we can watch the sunset again!!!

2011-11-06T02:53:00.000+08:00

I remember the times we spent together
on those drives
We had a million questions
all about our lives
and when we got to New York
everything felt right
I wish you were here with me
tonight

I remember the days we spent together
were not enough
and it used to feel like dreamin'
except we always woke up
Never thought not having you
here now would hurt so much

Tonight I've fallen and I can't get up
I need your loving hands to come and pick me up
And every night I miss you
I can just look up
and know the stars are
holdin' you, holdin' you, holdin' you tonight

I remember the time you told me about when you were eight
And all those things you said that night that just couldn't wait
I remember the car you were last seen in
and the games we would play
All the times we spilled our coffees
and stayed out way too late
I remember the time you told me about your Jesus
and how not to look back even if no one believes us
When it hurt so bad sometimes
not having you here...

I sing,
Tonight I've fallen and I can't get up
I need your loving hands to come and pick me up
And every night I miss you
I can just look up
and know the stars are
holdin' you, holdin' you, holdin' you tonight

I sing,
Tonight I've fallen and I can't get up
I need your loving hands to come and pick me up
And every night I miss you
I can just look up
and know the stars are
holdin' you, holdin' you, holdin' you tonight

2011-11-01T23:04:00.000+08:00

Do u know how painful it is to forget someone? It is not about forgetting. Forgetting is a relief, remembrance suddenly become painful.

2011-10-31T21:33:00.000+08:00

Another female rider pass away on a bike accident. I knew it on fri.. I was hopping pls don't be ppl that I know.. Well glad that is someone I dunno but sad is another rider is down. This keep remind me riding with care.. Or even give up riding. I wonder.. Is this fate or just purely accident.. If 1 day it happen to me how?? Will ppl just remember me just for this moment and for such accident only!!! I wouldn't want my loved ones and frens or even her to b sad over such thing. Let the sadly be once and rejoice after that cause I am back with the lord!!

2011-10-29T22:59:00.000+08:00

没有你我的人生还是一样快乐，可是有你我的人生才会跟惊彩。好想从前的快了，困为我有了你才有我的微笑。
有时候我会问自己，当你不开心的时候你有没有想到我。可是我还是跟我自己说你从来没有，因为我是你的过去，他是你的现在！

2011-10-28T00:49:00.000+08:00

The utmost pain in this world is not breaking up with you: It is remembering the love that we once shared, yet there is no likelihood to revive this love once again.

2011-10-27T00:45:00.003+08:00

I hate the feeling of thinking abt u!! Because missing u will make my heartache!!

2011-10-23T22:18:00.002+08:00

Miss u so Much.. Wish to spend my sunrise and sunset with u

2011-10-19T00:34:00.000+08:00

如果当时我们没开始，有可能现在我们是很好的朋友。如果当时我选者了放弃哪你和我都会快了一些，我还可以听到你的声音和看见你。我又想起了我们的过去，还怀念者当时的美好回亿。时间过了真快，一年就这相过去。这个时候我还问我自己为什么还放不下你，我是真的放不下还是不甘心，是习惯还是还爱你我自己也不清楚。有可能久了过后，时间能慢慢的把你从我记忆里给忘掉。
我只希望我们能很快做回朋友，因为我不想再错过这个机会。

2011-10-09T21:19:00.000+08:00

好想你的一天！傻猪你在哪里？

2011-10-03T21:53:00.000+08:00

Dear eggcow aka huiting,
生日快乐! 雪人好想蛋牛！真的真的好想,我还不能相信你以今不在了。过了多年你还是活在我心里，我无时都会想到你。
只想说我还有好多话想跟你说，可是我没有机会。为了你我会好好的活下去，因为我还有很长的路要走。

想你的每以天，思念你的微笑。

Xoxo,
Snowman

2011-10-02T23:52:00.000+08:00

Another gathering without YOU... wanna to let YOU know but realise that it is not really necessary. Sometime friends ask me about YOU cause when they see me they will thought about YOU. This is how much YOU mean and input in my life..

2011-10-01T04:39:00.002+08:00

Goodnight sillypig.. Suddenly I miss u badly!!!

2011-09-29T02:57:00.001+08:00

Walk past to our old office at raffles place, memories of friends and her keep running thru my mind. I saw my past, I saw where I grow up at. I saw my happiness, my achievement where I started my life. I walk all the way to the office building and stare for awhile, closing my eyes and feel the belong. I remembered our 1st F1 race in office,1st Halloween party,our 1st lunching together, our afterwork dinner and nevertheless our Xmas. That 'evil' laughter keep ringing in my mind, she just feel so close to me. I set down and think abt it, asking myself what is the purpose of looking back. Does bring back to memories help to lighter ur misses for her. Does it help for me to pick up the courage to call her or even meeting her? Does it help to get her back or to start falling in love all over again? No!!! All these is just memories, it doesn't help to change anything. I broke down and cry, I cry so hard that I felt that I am the only person that left on the earth. Even though I cried but I wasn't unhappy abt it, in the fact I feel happy that I actually walk through this memory lane again. Given a choice I wish to walk down these memories with her.

I just want to say I miss u!!

Xoxo,
老雪人

2011-09-26T00:32:00.001+08:00

2011-09-22T11:46:00.000+08:00

Woke up in the morning 1st thing that came to my mind was u. The gloomy weather remind me of those moment. I took my phone and wrote a msg, input ur number but I still don't have the courage to send. Those msg like.. Is raining hor, pls ride safely. Remember to bring raincoat and keep dry. Remember to bring ur jacket.. Those kind of msg make my heart warm on a raining day. I wanna to care for her but thinking she might be wrap over by someone elses arm at this moment than I realize that I shouldnt show concern for her.

2011-09-19T21:32:00.001+08:00

alot of things happen at home.. i realise that i got no more value at home. I dont really look forward to go home, dont really look forward to stay home. If i have to choice to leave home i will certainly want to do so. I remind me what happened back to 10yr ago when i was 16, that where i dont feel love at home, that is when i dont want to be at home. Someone came along and pick me up.. but i didnt treasure it..still they give me a home.

2yr ago.. things turn sour at home again.. than she came along and pick me up.. she add color in my life.. i moved over and i felt that family love that my family cannot provide me. I smile more at her place, i talk more to her mum and dad more than my mum and dad. I ate more home cook food more than i ate at home. There are so much things i felt at other people place more than i do at home.

That is the reason why last time i still wanting to hear over to her house after we broke up because i feel that her home are more homely than mine. I just want to share that bit of homely feeling which i cant get it at home. I wish someone will even bother to ask me whether i have my dinner, even bother to help me off my bedroom light and cover blanket for me. I cant believe it i am comparing other people family with mine own, I cant help but to be envy abt others. Sometime when her mum tell me that she is not home for a few days to wonder does she feel more homely out there than be at her own home?

I dont have a choice to choose.. so i have to be with it.. sometime when her mum are overly nice to me.. i will feel like giving her a hug and cry.. cause my own mum does not express herself like her mum...

2011-09-13T23:42:00.000+08:00

she have been always looking forward for a family trip together with her family member.. even it is just a short getaway or a wonderful long trip, as long as they are together she will be happy. She always put family at the 1st top place, this is why i always respect her, no matter what she will always say. No matter what happen your family member will always be the one for you at the end of the day. Sometime i might not agree with her cause she dont understand what i am going through, she is not going through those family issue that i am facing. So sometime i rather not to share with her cause end of the day is just adding my problem to hers.

Sometime i do miss staying over at her place, miss her mum cooking and chatting with her dad and bro. Now going over to her house have to pre inform her and also seeing her mum and dad i also dont know what to say. It is like part of your life have been change and I feel like i am like someone who is moving out of the house and going back home again. The home feeling is still there but.. there is always short of that something... that something which is missing.

After our last trip.. i feel that my feeling toward her is getting norm..I dont know is because i begin to let go or have i just get used of this feeling... Well being nice to her.. sometime can be mistook for behaving this way.. sometime wanna to show some concern as a friend or appreciate her by sending her sometime also cannot.

I really dont know when will things be ok... i think i have been asking this qus over and over again.. and yet both of us cannot answer..

2011-09-12T00:48:00.001+08:00

2011-09-05T21:25:00.000+08:00

Finally after trying i decide to stop and take a break, not that i am giving up but i really need to stop and rest to move on further. I cant just let it go on and on there will not be any good ending so who keep trying and failing and end of the day you dont see yourself anymore. I want to ask her for advise but think she will not be interested so why bother bring my problem to her, sometime is me who just someone to agree with me. Anyway that is not that point, agree or disagree doesnt make a different anymore.. since i decide not to drag than i should just let it be, although i will not be able to see her anymore. 休息，是为了走更长远的路。

2011-09-01T02:28:00.001+08:00

Since our last trip i am sort of hanging over her.. somehow her image keep running thru my mind.. Although i am tired but before i hit on my bed i will just thought abt her. Over the weekend before monday i rush to town after work just to find that prefect gift for her but.. still it didnt work out till monday morning. I already roughly know what to get just the matter of choosing the prefect gift. Even i have gotten her 1 gift back then a few months ago but i still feel i shouldnt give that to her, so i decide to buy her a gift again. I thought surprises will work out on her bday but i was wrong.. my surprises fail. No wonder she hate surprise so much, cause sometime it added more trouble than surprise. Although we are no longer together but still i send her the roses, these roses was pre order last year. The beautiful red roses with her fav color wrapping will just be prefect for her. I know maybe sending her roses doesnt really sound good as currently she is attach, that person might get jealous.. but she should know there is no hidden meaning to it. I dont keep secret on her, i am open to her, although sometime certain things i do deny abt it.

I hope she spent her bday well and meaningfully.. and of cause hoping that she do like that 'vintage' watch.. it is kind of not her cup of tea but guess it might be useful for her.. P.S the watch come with a special engrave cause it is a limited edition. Anyway aonther year have past soon i think she and him is gonna be together for a year.. really dont know how are they doing.. i dont intend to ask her not that i dont concern abt her but more on even i ask she will not say. Sometime she give me a kind of feeling that she wanna to settle down with him.. She sound like he is the one for her.. is he really the one?? nobody know.. only she know. Last time i thought J was also the one.. but still guys being guys.. will never change.. he still do things behind me.. he still pretend things never happen whenever we talk abt the same quarrel again and again. I always express myself when i come to r/s.. i want to talk things out.. i dont wan to hide here and there.. i like playing guessing game. Sometime such things really hurt me for being too true and direct.. but i rather know the truth now than later on both party suffer.

From the start SP give me a kind of feeling that she love him more than he love her.. well... since she claim that she is happy i shouldnt doubt her.. although we are no longer together anymore but i am always there for her if she needed someone... Maybe i am not fit to be the 1st or the right person to listen to all these crap.. but i dont might even thought she just come to me and throw out those problem.. Like she said on my bday card.. although we are still no ready to talk face to face but there are always something call email.. she can always email me.

Although the time we spend on the piggy holiday was short but i guess that was the best moment for the year, i know she totally ignore me on the trip. If she can dont wan to have any contact with me i think she will feel better, sometime i do felt abit left out from the 3 of us. i being to have lesser talk with them.. or less common things in mind.. Well since is over let it be over.. hopefully there will be more to come.. maybe next year.. and i just hope our barrier will soon be over.

一开始我以为爱本来会很容易
所以没有经过允许就把你放心底
直到后来有一天你和他走在一起
我才发现原来爱情不是真心就可以

我感动天感动地怎么感动不了你
明明知道没有结局却还死心塌地
我感动天感动地怎么感动不了你
总相信爱情会有奇迹都是我骗自己

以为自己不再去想你
保持不被刺痛的距离
就算早已忘了我自己
却还想要知道你的消息

2011-08-29T17:45:00.000+08:00

today is her bday.. got her a special birthday present... i got her a watch.. didnt know the watch have a special engrave but i love them!!!! Anyway given her 15stalks of red roses and that small little vintage watch, i hope she will love the present. Last night i totally forgot that after midnight will be her bday and i head to her house empty handed... erm.. cause i didnt expect her to be at home and 2nd i really slip off my mind that sort of today is her bday... haiz.. to many things in my mind and we no longer celebrate together so sometime i might just forget. Anyway at least i order her flower in advance and seriously i love my florist.. she know what i want and she actually remind me again.. about sending it to her.. Saw that fresh beautiful flower this morning,,, it just make my heart smile (: hoping that she will like it too.. I wish i was the one sending this surprise to her... but.. nah.. i dont get to do that.. Well as long as she spend her bday well i am happy already.. dee happy birthday once again!!! another year have past and i hope next year will be a better one.

xoxo,
Sn0wMaN

2011-08-26T03:25:00.001+08:00

I thought this trip will bring us closer but I just expected too much out of her. She really grow more indepedent now, no logger depedent much on others or maybe is just me. Sometime she give me a feeling of herself and sometime she give me a feeling of she pretending to be the stronger side of herself. I know her heart is not on this trip.. If she is given a choice she will not want to go for this trip.

I hope she did enjoy herself with smartpig.. Even though we dont talk much on this trip but at least I know that I can be there for her. Although I am not the best person for her but I am always there for her all the time. I don't know when will our next trip be again.. I know it is not soon but hope that there will still be more piggy trip coming along.

The attitude she give me is the same feeling I received 1yr ago.. Those small things I do will jus make her more unhappy toward me.. Maybe i really try too hard toward her.So I sometime i rather accept the cold treatment from her.. At least I can Make peace with her. 1yr ago I was on the same trip and things wasn't that bad... Something jus reflected back in my memories. Certain things shld stay and something must go. I only can give my full blessing to her and hopping that 1 fine day we will be ok again. This barrier that we have will always be there till the day that we have fully let go. Maybe till the day she is getting married or maybe I am getting married than we will no longer
have this barrier again.

2011-08-19T10:08:00.001+08:00

I thought she have forgotten about it but I was wrong.. She remembered! Although the time that we meet is short but is the thoughts that counts. Seeing her so sick make me want to take care of her more. When I see her now and back then I see a change in her.. She become more mature and abit sensible. 1year have past and we still don't have the courage to face each other. The feeling I have for her is getting more and more neutral, I also don't know why.

Finally we are going for our trip.. I really hope that is a good trip.. Work is in a big mess but I am not gonna bother abt. I just gonna let it go.

2011-08-18T16:20:00.000+08:00

Have she forgotten what day is today? Wil I be able to see her later??

2011-08-16T19:54:00.002+08:00

The best way to appreciate something is to be without it for awhile.

2011-08-12T02:32:00.001+08:00

2011-08-11T01:16:00.000+08:00

I just realise whenever i thought about it somehow you sort of pop out from somewhere.. i was quite surprise to see you today.. didnt mean to be so not friendly toward you just that i really have a bad day at home before i head over to the exam hall. I dont know how to react to you when i see you, your walking pace was fast... feel like you are rushing for something.. I dont want to hold you back too.. so didnt know what to say. When where are at the junction that moment just remind me of how we part. I feel like we are stranger again.. the feeling that we part at the junction give me a feeling that we will never meet again. Seeing that familiar back shadow of yours make me think back about the past, those moment when we walk home together. I have so much to say.. yet i dont know how to express.. maybe i should just leave all these for next week when we are on our trip. I just hope it will be a good one.

2011-08-09T23:46:00.001+08:00

Everything is over.. I haven't do anything about it. Everythig happened for a reason, we can't control what is gonna happen. I am running, I run and run just want to run away from all my problem. I can't find the purpose in life, I need to find back myself 1st to understand what I really want. I seldom say I want to give up but today.. I really have the feeling and wanting to say I intend to give up. I can't hide anymore.. I have show my emo feeling toward my frens, I am not afraid of them knowing just that I dont like to share such things to with my frens. When frens concern abt me.. I feel bad.. I want to cry but I just can't pour it out. I can't see that light of path.. My road of life is so long, so long till I don't see any sign of help, any sign of stop and I don't even know where the end point. I just want to be away from the crowd, be alone and try to figure out what I really want.

2011-08-08T01:20:00.000+08:00

it have been a tough week for me.. exam is round the corner.. i have not done a single thing. I am so lost with every single thing. I am where to start and how to stop, i wish everything just stop. Leaving everything behind and live on a carefree life.. not gonna think and worry about tml. I seen to be like i can stand up on my feet, i feel like i keep falling.. i dont have the strength and courage to pick myself up. The feeling is worse than i have lost her.. it is like.. no one can help me.. maybe God can.. I really want to put down everything.. my bag is so heavy.. so heavy till i need to throw them aside.. i might seem to be happy but in actual fact.. deep inside i am not. I am not that sort will express myself out to anyone... maybe close frens will know what i am going through.. I know part of this could happen also have to blame me and the kind of attitude that i give. I no long have that sort of fighting spirit.. no longer have that kind of spark that i want to look forward to. It is like everything to me is not important, my attitude is that if it happen that let it happen lor.. I know this is of fxxk care attitude is bad.. but i really seem to be like i cant be bother to care about it.

Tell me what to do.. what is the best solution for me.. where can i find back myself again.

2011-08-01T23:56:00.001+08:00

I wish u were here when i fall.. when i really needed someone so badly.. I shut myself alone.. dont feel like talking to anyone. I have so much to share but yet so much to keep to myself. I wish to could hear you voice now to know that my spark is not gone yet.. I feel so small.. i feel that i am helpless. Everyone is giving me comment but it seem to be like i cant agree with anyone. I listen to the piece of song that u play for me over and over again.. I dont know why am i doing that... but i know that is something that i love the most.

I wish to talk to u.. i wish u r beside me.. to solve everything.. I turn to God.. but i feel even smaller.. i dont know what to do.. what shld i do.. everything seem to be in the mess.. If i make the wrong choice everything will be in a bigger mess.. I want a big dee hug.. i need a shoulder to cry..

2011-07-29T11:00:00.001+08:00

U ask me before what is the important thing that I lost?? Now I think back I realize u r that important thing that I lost. I woke up in the middle of the night with nightmare again.. Cold sweat all over and realize that I have already lose u!

2011-07-27T01:04:00.001+08:00

2011-07-26T02:57:00.000+08:00

it is kind of quite without her around... even i know that at this moment i am no where near her.. but i still show care and concern toward her.. did i really fall for her? haha.. i think is a joke.. cause i know what kind of person she is and for sure her mind have already set for someone else. Well i am not the kind of person will show my feeling if i like someone.. cause i rather thing just go as per normal. I know my feeling toward this person will not be as strong as compare to DT.. and i know at this moment there is no way there is a replacement for DT.

people might just think that i am stubborn or stupid.. holding on to something that will never change.. something that will not give u any positive result. Well i dont ask for anything.. i dont even ask for a return r/s.. in the fact.. i dont know what i want.. maybe just be who i am. Maybe i just enjoy being her 'angel' or being there for her when she needed someone. I know i am the last person on earth she will look for when she needed someone.. but i always tell her.. as long as you need me.. i am always contactable.

Today.. bought my friend's dog out.. this dog was name teddy.. but due to my friend call her dad as daddy at home so she have to change teddy name. I thought she might change his name to ted or something.. but she change it to deedee.. i am like.. wtf.. why this name.. she didnt know about DT before name was change. So whenever she call deedee i will like.. what.. I cant help but also keep calling him deedee.. it just sound like i used to call her deedee. Soon we will be going for our so call final one and only trip.. i hope it gonna be good.. i just wan all of us to be happy.

2011-07-21T22:26:00.001+08:00

Yesterday was a beautiful moment i spend with someone else.. although i know she already love someone deeply but i still choose to be there for her. She is very alike to DT but much much more outspoken than her, she is just like a grown up kid who care about others (the person she love) more than herself. She is like someone who dare to do anything and try anything new. She surprise me with alot of new things, with alot of unexpected stuffs. I cant believe it that i offer to pillion her, ever since DT, i have never pillion anyone for the past 1yr. I dont know why i will offer to pillion her also.. maybe just out of my mind at that moment. We went to some place.. a place which will bring me back to the honeymoon period of me and DT. Although this place me and DT have not been before but the concept is the same, i can picture myself with her. Those moment when she was still a kid, an innocent poly kid who love sch camp, who love to be around her camp mates. I still remember whenever i pick her up from sch she will grin her way hm, whenever i send her to sch she will look forward to it. I guess that is the moment she found her happiness there, the moment that keep her alive during sch days.

谢谢你让我回忆这个我失去的感觉。我好想念这美丽的回忆。

2011-07-20T01:32:00.000+08:00

I still feel lt... i still feel that heartbeat.. My heart still skip when i see u. It still run like a running nuts when she is just beside me. I dont know why.. 1 yr already yet the heart still pump as usual... what the strong feeling.. that stop me from changing??

2011-07-15T23:53:00.001+08:00

I almost msg u this: baby can u send me the file pls, I realize I dont have them. For a moment I realize I am thinking too much, she is no longer my baby. why the hell i am typing all these... Nah.. Is my bad habit again!!! Keep say things that is not the real fact anymore. I expected her to come for class but she didn't well maybe she know Jo didn't come so she also dont wan to come. I thought she will be nice to ask how is class but instead I am being qus on how badly did we do for the project. Why can't she just nicer to me.

2011-07-15T02:05:00.000+08:00

We will never come to a term that both of us will agree with each other.. There are always this assumption that things will be ok but in the fact it is not.. In the fact we actually dont really know each other well, just that we try our very best to be in the same road with the other half. Not knowing that we might accidently hurt them or change they lifestyle instead of remain as who they are. After all you have lost track of whether do you really love them or being with them is just for the partnership.

I will still love to say this.. i still love you for who you are. I will still be there for you anytime and anywhere at every moment. In my heart you will always be that little girl who i always love the most, the bubbly laughter will always remain in my heart. The silliest moment and the weirdest things that we do will always be remembered. If i have a chance again to love i will still choose to love you once again.. I 1073 YOU!!! You will always be my colorful pig.

2011-07-13T01:45:00.001+08:00

Goodnight sillypig.. i miss u!!

2011-07-10T22:23:00.000+08:00

Sometime doing things alone is good but sometime when u think about doing things alone u dont really have the energy to do it. I was attending a wedding lunch today.. thinking back last time how i used to bring my partner along whenever i am attending an event. After the wedding i went over to visit eggcow again... seeing her again after 2 mths make me miss her so much. It have been 3yrs since she last left me, sometime i will still have the thinking she is still around me. Especially when i pass by her work place, pass by her house, pass by our ECCP (eggcow carpark), all these just remind me of her belonging. Giving a chance again i wish to say and do things all over again with her, i wish that i wasnt that childish and to understand her better. I wish to nag at her again tell her to eat, i wish that i still can provide my 24/7 delivery service to her. I wish that i have done that much, but i only can do so much and yet i feel that i didnt do much for her.

Sometime when i visited eggcow and write on her note pad i really wish that 1 day i will be seeing a sign off by DT. Maybe i just think too much cause she will never visit eggcow for no reason and eggcow is not related to her also. It is because of me she know about eggcow and everytime i talk about it i will been too emo toward her. Beside eggcow, i also visited eileen's hubby, visited Kenny Chong and lastly DT's DB fren. Since is within walking distance i must as well do it all, i didnt make the effort to visit them whenever i visited eggcow so since today i am free i should do that.

Maybe too much emo sorrow to pour it out so i spend sometime with them, sometime i wonder how are they doing. I cant help but to cry, but after the cry u will just feel better. This is fate and all these are pre arrange by God, we can change the fate that things happen, we only can try to accept the fact that it happened.

I fall into deep sleep when i am back home, i have a weird dream, i dreamt about DT. The dream was back to 2yrs ago before we gotten together, there are no worries, lots of happiness. It bring me through the memory lane once again and it bring me through the process of breakup. I woke up in fear because i know that i have lost her and my eyes just fill up with tears. I still remember last time when i stay over at her place sometime i will woke up in the middle of night with fear, thinking that she left me. When i turn around and i realise she is around my heart is at ease, i will hug her tight and fall back to sleep again. This is reassure that she is still around, when i tell her about this she laugh at me and say tell me that she still never leave me until the day she no longer love me anymore.

All these are legend, all these shouldnt be here anymore. When the time is up we have to go, when the time is right we have to learn to accept new. This is life.

2011-07-06T03:22:00.000+08:00

I had that feeling before.. it is like falling in love but not really in love.. that kind of feeling that u will look forward for the msg, phone calls or maybe looking forward to meet up with that person. It is so real that u can feel the same kind of feeling is coming back, this time it is from different person.. no longer that person that used to shine on me but neither is the current person shining on me now.

There is a barrier i know i cant go into this.. the world is just too small.. everything and everyone is inter-related. It is so scary that u know that u are living in a circle... i dont want to try new cause i know it will be a replacement of DT. It is too alike.. they behave so alike that i thought DT was around. Maybe i should thank God that i am no where near the person.. maybe is just a rebound or maybe the person is just a passerby.

2011-07-02T01:51:00.000+08:00

I wish that I have to courage to say: BB I don't want to love u anymore, not that I don't love u but is I choose not to love u anymore. My heart and mind just can't come together as 1 to agree on it. I choose to love u is really a tiring thing to do.

2011-06-29T11:42:00.000+08:00

If TGIW or TGIF can make u grin I wish that I could say that to u everyday. If only we have 1 more day...

2011-06-28T16:41:00.000+08:00

I lost something special, something close to my heart. I only know it today That I have lost it. I should have let go long ago but I still want to keep it, now I have lost I can't blame anyone but myself. I treasure it so close to my heart, nothing can replace it. There wouldn't be a 2nd one anymore, it is gone!!!

2011-06-28T02:33:00.001+08:00

Till this moment until now I realize that my mind is still fill up with her.

2011-06-25T04:29:00.000+08:00

I dunno for whatever reason I thought abt u today.. The feeling is very strong and it jus keep repeating some incident over and over again. I realize that I am goig through the dejavu moment, it is so real that I can't remember when and where is happened.

Today I call it the DT day.. A day that flash back the memories that we had together. How we started off at old office, how we started our 1st day of sch, the feeling of she riding on greenie, how was it like after a long day after sch. When I hit on her bed after my shower, when I dry her long brown hair after her bath. I will make sure she is well taken care off before she sleep like a baby.

For no reason I broke down and cry, I ask myself why?

2011-06-22T23:39:00.000+08:00

错过了就不可以在回头，没有了就是没有了。

2011-06-20T01:55:00.000+08:00

For the past week i have been busy and uptight with my work, alot of things are out of hand. I realise that i am not a person who is well plan when it come to work. I feel that now my life is abit disorganize, i did alot of things 1/2 way here and there.. I just dont have the mood and heart to do things and just dont feel like completing it.

Time past really fast... it have been 1yr since she left me completely.. i cant remember how did i manage to pull through this 1yr. I keep asking myself.. what am i holding on.. why is still her.. why even when there is someone out there waiting for me but i still choose not to move on. Why am i still so nice to her.. why am i still concern and care about her? I dont know what is the reason behind for being nice to her.. but i know whenever i did something for her.. i will feel happy about it. It is nice to do something for someone that you love, you dont expect any return maybe just a smile on her face. I will give her my very best.. cause she deserve my very best.

Sometime i wonder.. will she still remember me if 1 day i am unable to be there for her anymore.. will she still remember those things that i have done for her. Will she remember those time when we were together.. those things that we have done before, those places that we have been together.

bb.. do u miss those time that we spent our very QT together.. having each other by our side and just talk anything and everything under the dark sky. Hug you around my arms and huggies monster you to sleep, you will hug that lovely snowflake to and never wan to let it go. Cover you with the warm blanket up high so that you will catch a cold, kiss your nose and head and say goodnight and i love you sillypig.

I know these are the past and she keep telling me to move on and stop living in the past. I wouldnt say that i still living in the past but being an emo kid.. i just like to bring back those memories and just smile sillyly over it.

sillypig.. if 1 day.. i really not around and cannot be there for u anymore.. pls dont forget me.. pls remember that i am that old snowman who is super naggy over u, super over concern about u. No matter what happen in future just promise me to be the happy sillypig that i always know.. that pig can laugh and smile for no reason.. that pig will do alot of silly thing.. that silly old pig who will know the secert of colorful.

Did you forget that I was even alive?
Did you forget everything we ever had?
Did you forget, did you forget about me?

Did you regret ever standing by my side?
Did you forget we were feeling inside?
Now I'm left to forget about us

But somewhere we went wrong
We were once so strong
Our love is like a song, you can't forget it

So now I guess this is where we have to stand
Did you regret ever holding my hand?
Never again, please don't forget, don't forget

We had it all, we were just about to fall
Even more in love, than we were before
I won't forget, I won't forget about us

But somewhere we went wrong
We were once so strong
Our love is like a song you can't forget itl

And at last all the pictures have been burned
And all the past is just a lesson that we've learned
I won't forget, please don't forget us

Somewhere we went wrong
Our love is like a song but you won't sing along
You've forgotten about us

2011-06-08T19:31:00.002+08:00

Whenever I am piss off with u, u just sort of have some way to make me grin. I dunno do I hate u more than I love u!!! Sitting at the bar alone thinking abt those good old days we had, it jus make me smile. Although is past but sometime the flashing back make me value u more.

Sometime I will wonder how r u doing?? R u happy? R u feeling sick?? Did u sleep well last night?? Sometime when the phone rang I wish that it was u.. I miss calling bb.. I miss buying u supper, miss hugging u to sleep. Sometime I wonder did I make a mistake for loving u. If we didnt start r we happier now.. Sometime when I dont see the smile on ur face my heart feel bad. Thinking that u might have a bad day or maybe he make u sad.. I cant do anything to make u happy, only can be there if u.

I learn to distance from u cause I don't want u to think that I am up to no good.. But I always here for u anytime u needed someone. I have never fail to do anything for u before or even now. My strength is to go all out for the person I concern or value the most in life. My greatest weakest is being a emo kid.. Emo enough to make the whole world sad!! I just hope that we will be in good term again.. I wish to have the chance to share the joy and sorrow with u.

2011-06-06T02:35:00.001+08:00

we were out last week.. it have been sometime since we last met. The feeling of picking her up was abit uncertain. I was quite disorganize when i was at her place, didnt have time to pack that car. The so call barrier that we had wasnt that bad and naturally she know what was bought for her. Our body language just make things prefect.. maybe we have been together for so long, certain things are just meant to be unspoken. I am glad that she love the present that i bought for her, i know that was her fav and without thinking i ordered just for her. I will tend to look into certain detail she didnt notice, look into small things that affect or concern about her. I was afraid that we got nothing to talk about as i still think that the barrier that we have is still bothering us but to my surprise she talk really alot. I am glad that she talk and of cause me being me just be there to listen those things.

Well when she is around my heart really beat fast... i dunno whybut i still feel nervous when she is with me. I thought the feeling no longer there but i was wrong, my heart still beat for her. I got no choice i only can drink water to claim myself down, still got to bother her to help me with those. When we were dining, my heart still didnt slow down it just keeping running like those running nuts. I wish i could tell her how i feel about it, i wish i could tell her that i wan to hold her hand to claim down. I over heard about her talking abt someone to smartpig.. my mood change, my face turn black or long. I got no mood to eat, i got no mood to talk about anything. I wish to tell her that i am unable to listen to this but still her have the freedom to speak.

I keep asking myself.. what wrong with me.. what do i want? It have been already 1yr, this 1yr she is doing well, i should be glad too. I shouldnt keep being affecting by those things that she do or say. I am not looking forward for any return, not wanting anything to happen between us. Maybe i still need a longer time to adjust my comfort zone and adapt to new.

The ride hm was really silent... i understand she have a long day at work, so i dont want to bother her much too. I think she is falling sick, feeling so cold all the time. I wish i can tell her let me hug u so that i can give u some warm... i turn off the aircon, turn off the music so that she can sleep peacefully. Seeing that pig fall asleep i found the cute side of her, wish that i can see her more often in the sleepy states.

2011-05-30T02:12:00.000+08:00

When i see him purpose to her.. it remind me of the time that i ever thought about doing that for that someone. I still remember the 1st time she changing my heart of loving her differently.. she come into my life unexpectedly.. i didnt think she will change my heart toward her. When i am certain about my feeling toward her.. things changes. I remember telling my this fren of mine about my 'purpose' plan for her.. if we work out well within 3yrs. I have confident in our r/s and seriously all my fren dont have confident in me.. they think that i still behave like before.. and warn me never hurt her..

Because i work in travel industry i have successfully give a few couples some unforgettable blessing.. seeing them enjoying those memories that i given to them... i feel happy for them too. 1 day my fren ask me.. have u surprise her before? i told her.. yes i did.. and it will be the 1st and last for her. I feel really happy that the surprise work out.. not trying to proof that i am a great liar but at least my effort is not wasted. I also glad that i have a group of wonderful hotelier frens.. without them.. my plan will not be successfully.

Actually if we didnt break up there will be a big big surprise that will happen this yr.. this will take place not in singapore.. but is in a place where only both of us. If this ever happen it will be the most unforgettable in both of us. Well i am glad that my fren did something similer to his gf, finally he took the courage to purpose to her.. after 3yrs plus of dating.. He told me this today after his purpose.. he said: wayne i am so afraid she will reject me.. and if she really did so what am i suppose to do. I told him: it is all about feeling.. if the feeling is there she will never say no to u.

Sometime we have to decide what we want.. when someone is there for u and if u think he or she is the right person than dont think too much.. go for it. Everyone have the freedom to love.. i have see all kind of couples getting together and live happily ever after. It is all about your thinking and feeling.. she ask me before.. do u still wan to be like this in future.. i told.. let it be what it suppose to be.. if i meant to get married than good for me.. if i plan to spend my life with that someone i will.. sometime the more we want something to happen it will not happen, so why we have to pre decide what to do.

2011-05-29T03:13:00.000+08:00

Everytine I am I in this semi drunk state I realize that I miss u alot!!!

2011-05-25T01:55:00.000+08:00

My life is just like this.. feeling so lost and helpless.. I hate making decision but i have to, the decision that i have made really make me wonder have i make the right choice. I have been really busy and tired for the past week, have been working non stop and doing up my project. I was helping out at Qafe and seriously this remind me of the absolut cafe that me and her used to talk abt. The concept was abit the same.. and memories just run through my mind, seeing jo and kris it just picture out the ideal couple. Well my plan is still far from reaching and it will not be complete without other reason.

I wanna to drop her a msg this week, wanna to ask her to do the project together.. but think abt it, i decide to let her have her own time. Sometime is just somewhere, somehow u just happen to miss that someone. These few days i have been listening to the same kind of laughter, i really thought she was around.. but those are not as classic as hers. I dunno when but somehow i wish that 1 fine day.. she can just put everything behind and let be like the good old days!!!!

2011-05-21T03:04:00.004+08:00

You are just like that coffee that i need it everyday.. without you my day just dont feel good. Have we erase the fine line that we have or it is still there.. I dont know.. but let it be what it suppose to be.. I am tired of fighting.. cause it will still be useless as you will not accept what i said. Although we might be 1 step closer this sem but i hope u dont think i have any intension of trying to be funny. Being nice to you is just something i like to do, when i heard your laughter today.. my heart smile.. finally you are laughing and i finally feel that sillypig is back. I wish i could be there for you when you are tired.. wish that i can try to do something to help to out. I guess beside lending you my shoulder and ear there are nothing much i can lend you.

I just hope to see you :D and laugh as soon as i can.. cause that will be your carefree moment..

xoxo
Sn0w_MaN

2011-05-18T23:57:00.002+08:00

Dear Eggcow,

It have been 3yrs since you last left us, the memories you left behind have not been forgotten. I still remember every single moment we have spend together. Time past so fast 3yrs, these 3yrs i have not really smile or be really happy since you left us. Whenever i am sad or trouble i will still run to you to complain.. huiting.. to be frank till now i still cant accept the fact you are not around anymore.. till now whenever i see your dad hand writing love notes for you i just feel the pain he is going through. Today when i visited you i just have this strong feeling that you are around, i went sun tanning today knowing that you are that sunshine that shining with me. I visited you with a nice niu niu tin so that u can put all ur niu niu inside.. today dee never come with me.. i also didnt wan to ask her along.. she is the only one that i shared so many things with.. when i am straggling in my life without u, she pick me up and add color in my life.

I have dinner with her today.. maybe is out of kindness than i get a chance to dine with her. I am glad she is with me today.. if not i think my emo level will be very high.. although we didnt talk much but we understand.. seeing her being so busy and so tired everyday it really make my heart ache.. i really wish to tell her, if u dont might hiring me i will work for u. To me i am so used to hotel industry and i have go through more shit then her so this nothing to me. But i know it will not happen so i also dont bother to ask her. Sometime i really dont know what to say.. but seeing her i feel that she really grew up.. no longer that little girl i know 2yrs ago. No matter what i just hope my dearest eggcow can look over that dee.. be her little angel and give her strength when she is weak, give her joy when she is sad, give her love when she feel insecure.

you are always in my heart, my dearest eggcow aka huiting.

Choo HuiTing Celin 03/10/1985 - 18/05/2011

2011-05-18T00:54:00.002+08:00

The devastating news from the past few 1 week have left me so sad and vulnerable. And while trying to make sense of it all is probably useless, I look around and take comfort in the fact that although the universe is reminding us of the reality of the fragility of life, it is also allowing flowers to bloom everywhere. I am looking for some sign of hopes, need some direction in life. I am lost and weary from all these 'problem' that is happening to me right now. I am just like driving down the long highway without knowing where is my end point or pitshop, there is no sign telling me where can i find my final stop. where can i find the hope and direction to the final stop or what kind of solution will be given to me. I cant back out but have to accept the fact and agree with the flow, cause everything is fix.

Crying is not a way to show that you are weak, sort of a way to express urself to accept the fact. Not to look for other to pity u but to show others that u just need some time alone. I am always strong and happy because i dun wan my frens around me to be sad, I wan them to remember with me around there will always be joy and happiness.

2011-05-15T02:06:00.000+08:00

Everything was really ok till the last day at work, nothing happen at work but more abt sch. It is not abt having her as my grp mates but more abt me juggling with my sch and work time. My next job havent started but i feel stress abt it, i also dont know why am i stess over it. Maybe it is a new task for me and if i can master this new skill like how i master my travel tip, i will know how to move on next. My life is in the mess now.. everything just dont go right, it is just out of my way. I feel like giving up this sem and settle my career 1st but my heart tell me to stay on. I dunno.. i really dunno wat to do. Whenever i am lost i always thought abt u, sometime i also dunno how to express myself. All i know whenever i hear ur voice my heart feel peace & secure.. when i hear that tired voice of yours it make my heartache, i know u work hard but u need time to rest too.

哪一条牙膏在对我傻笑嘲笑我永远用不掉
想睡就睡想闹就闹好快乐少了人唠叨
蓝色的碗盘多买了一套我忘了没人陪我通宵
要多少替代的丑角无辜的陪笑才会让我能真的忘了你的好

我在搞笑借着热闹掩盖着心跳
边哭边笑偏要说着一个人真好
当人群散了突然觉得我可以死掉我受不了

还在搞笑害怕回家不知怎么熬
这么多年早就喜欢有你的撒娇
我想我能熬但是至少要让我知道你好不好

我们的小狗食量变好小眼神里常常显得无聊
它习惯睡觉的床位少了一双脚所以他常常看着门口睡不着

我在搞笑却在最后眼泪拼命掉
你的离开失去多少我计算不了
忙完了一天突然觉得又何必辛劳对谁炫耀

2011-05-13T01:31:00.000+08:00

Maybe you have a bad day this week or long draggy week hope that this photo will brighten up your grumpy week. I know i cant say much, keep wanna to be there for u but u just dont accept. When i try to go 1 step closer, you move 2 steps further. I am not in the position to say anything, as long as you feel comfortable with it. Sometime even though our exchange over sms with wasnt that friendly but still at least i know we still talk (even though is rubbish). As i say i am always there for you as a friend / pillar, i am not ur saving float (i am not in orange, white or red color). I promise no other feeling putting in just wanna to be there for u when u r troubled.. hope see that big dee smile or that listen to that evil laughter again.

2011-05-04T23:57:00.001+08:00

The story of love is not important - What is important is that one is capable of love, even when one know that love will end...

2011-05-03T00:03:00.003+08:00

Even how much fun i have for my trip, i cant really enjoy without u around. Whenever i am tired i realise i got no one to lean on.. When i am sad or have a bad day i got no one to look forward too. I need to find the start and the end point..

2011-04-30T14:10:00.003+08:00

Leaving to the airport soon.. although is a short trip but i kind of miss things in sg. So long never go for holiday and so long i dun have big group holiday. Going with the Kon gang.. i guess it gonna be fun :)

Wondering when will i have my holiday with my piggies.. kind of miss them.. or maybe kind of miss her. I still remember 1yr ago our trip to phuket.. miss those 'honeymoon' time.. no worries on anything.. miss having her around me.. the sun tanning moment.. the shopping spree and the drinking session. I miss doing things for her.. miss pampering her.. haiz.. too crappy over such thingy...

Well is a holiday so time to get away from all these... the only time u will smile or cry is when u really miss that someone badly.

2011-04-25T23:18:00.003+08:00

It too me a while to capture this beautiful moment abt mother and child. What is motherhood? being a parent is not easy especially a mother, having a kid is not easy it take patient to exchange for it. I took this shot while the mum was holding the baby walking thru the beautiful sunset. You can feel the heartwarming feeling that a mum will provide for that child, the tender loving care and being protection over the child from any harm. Sometime i ask myself have i really done my best for my mum? how much will be enough for me to give her, how i know when she is really happy? She always say 'wei ah.. stop riding ah.. it is danger to ride. U big girl liao dont let mummy nag & nag at u.' I will always agree for the sake of agreeing, i know she meant to say all these for my own good just that i dont listen.

Another breaking new for me over the weekend... bike fren (lollypop) say this on the forum on 21april: Goodbye my frens, i am going thai later :) not joining u guys tonight. I will contact u all when i am back. 22nd April, 1005am God bought him back hm, no one expect that to happen, no one was prepare. When i was on forum in the afternoon, i was speechless, i still wanna to ask him out when he is back.. and now.. i only can pray for him. He is the only son, left his mum all alone.. His mum must be very upset.. i am sure he is upset too. He say the last goodbye on the forum, last goodbye after his dinner with his mum.

I ask myself everyday... if 1 day.. that happen to me what will happen to my mum? how will she feel? what will happen to shannon?? who is gonna take care of him? how will the sillypig feel... how will my other frens feel? Sometime i am so lost that i dunno what to do... I dreamt of eggcow again.. looking thru those old friendster msg and photos we had.. i realise we miss out so much!!! if i could max out the time, do things that i should have dont long ago.. maybe i will be happier.

I dont like the feeling being at hm, i dont find peace at hm. I visited eggcow for the past 2 weekend, i dunno why but i just miss her badly. i complained so much to her, telling how much i miss her. Sillypig msg me last night wanna to make it clear that the last r/s wasnt change of heart, it is change of mind... I know, inside my heart i know u used to truly love me. I have never doubt u, i have never blame u. I wish i could escape from hm to a place where there is peace, no anger. I used to escape to sillypig hm but now.. gonna find new place to escape. When will we really talk again over a coffee session or a dinner.. when can i hear that bubbly voice and the big dee smile again!!!! When can i do the tickie me dee and let her roll again!!!

2011-04-24T12:05:00.002+08:00

The feeling of going back to some place where u r have the best memories with ur love ones really make u sad... I am a person who easily get emo when something or some place just trigger me.. I was at sentosa last night, passing by her work place and heading over to siloso beach. We used to spent out happy moment at siloso beach. The 1st time i 'cheated' her to sentosa.. the sun tanning moment that we have at sentosa and those time we sneak into tourism sch, all these are well kept in my mind..

I was back at 1 of the beach bar last night where we used to hangout.. the moment just flash back in my mind.. i only can smile and walk through the crowd. As i was walking through the crowd someone pop up and say Hi.. i was abt shock when i see her.. and i am more shock when i saw the hand she is holding onto wasnt 'T' it was someone else.. omg.. wat happen to them.. 6yrs plus or 7yrs r/s just ended like this? I begin to realise 爱情是没有天长地久 no matter how long is the r/s if the heart change, every change.

Maybe my last r/s was the heart change problem... i guess it is not so much of her being who she wan to be but more on her heart have change. I am not longer her 老雪人 and she is no longer that sillypig that i know back in good old days. As i am still walking in the deja vu world i told myself there is no long lastly r/s, there will not be really an end point in life. There are always human error in life and some ppl just cant accept those human error.

As I was driving back home from sentosa i cried.. not knowing why i cried.. the song that played from the radio make me upset. Wanna to msg her so badly but.. my heart tell me say NO!!!! Dont bother abt her she is happy and she is doing well... maybe she have found her end point dun affect her new life. I park my car at the carpark sitting inside the car trying to cool myself down, telling myself it is just anotther night..

2011-04-17T01:02:00.002+08:00

Finally 1 paper down and 1 more to go... Haiz.. just wanna to get all these over and done.. i am so tired!!! Today she very random out of the blue msg me.. telling me that she is happy not to worry abt her. Haiz.. never say she is not happy just saying whether is she still as happy as before.. Well she claim that she is happy then let her be cause i know happiness come from the heart. Anyway glad that she is doing well and whatever it is i just wish her to be happy. I actually wanna to msg her to let her know that i am always there for her no matter what, through happiness or sadness. DT i am not ur float, i am ur pillar, if u r lost or u need anything this pillar is always here for u anytime. I dont want u to get drown in the sea and swim alone, i am there to swim with u anytime.

2011-04-15T23:44:00.002+08:00

Tml is exam again.. everytime exam i will be sick.. maybe too stress that why sick. Recently some $$$ matter happen at hm, i cant help much at all, close to totally give up. I went to my aunt's place to study but end up got nag by her telling all abt my family problem. In the end i told her that is the reason why i am not getting married, getting married is easy but no $$$ no 'honey'. As usually she will take abt her good old days when she earn her 1st down payment for car & flat and etc... Keep telling me to sell away my bike and sell away my absolut and keep the $$$$ for rainy days and etc...

I told her absolut is my life selling away is not possible, riding is passion. Not because of DT maybe i have gave up riding long ago.. and now even thought how much i want to change bike but thinking abt how greenie go thru thick and thin with me and DT i cant bear to let go. I still remember the 1st time i bought greenie i was very poor, give up a good pay job for a shitty job. Down payment my bike cause DT said since i love it so much she will just agree with me. When i got my bike i couldnt fork out $$ to pay of my 1st or 2nd installment and is DT who paid for me. she is not earning much and i cant get her paid for it (pide problem) and from than onward i learn how not to let my love ones go thru the bad time for me. I work hard to pay off my bike, no matter how badly i wan to mod my bike i still keep it stock. DT like it simple and neat, she dont like it noise and fancy. I begin to sell my absolut (as business) and work hard to earn extra cash from part time and work incentive so that both of us can live a better life. I provide her what i can provide make sure everyday she is happy and never worry abt anything as long as i am around. No matter how hard it is she is always my 1st place, i will try my best to pay off her bill, give her 'allowance' and buy something for her to make her happy. As long as she is happy i am happy too :) we never talk abt $$$ cause $$ hurt r/s.

I wil save up to bring her for overseas trip, save up to pamper her and save up for random surprises. When i have already save up to at point of time, she left me. I almost bought sometime for her and sometime that might confused her at that moment. Anyway Still life without her i begin not to save up.. spend my $$$ on absolut and modding my bike, plus mainly at party (i know it is damn bad) Have i gone back to my old self, the old self who dont care abt life or future. But i promise myself and that someone before, i will save up my absolut profit and open an absolut cafe. I dont know how long and i dont know when will it happen but i am heading toward there, soon 1 day i will make it to the absolut cafe.

I wonder how is DT doing now? Is she studying or at work? How is her life? Is she still as happy as before? I wanna to msg or email her but think abt it better not.. Enough of trouble for her and i really dont wan to bother her.

2011-04-12T23:39:00.002+08:00

When u have a bad and long day at work u wish that ur partner is there for u. It is not abt complaining to her but is the feeling that when u see her and hear that familiar voice ur worries are gone for that moment. I love to talk and see DT whenever I have a bad day at work, I always look forward to see her after my work cause that is my only happy hr. Even I tired I am I will make my way to pick her up from work or ride over to her place, listen to that bubbly voice jus melt my heart. How I wish she is here right now even she is not talking her presence just make my day better. I really have a bad day, a bad bad day!!!

2011-04-11T22:36:00.003+08:00

When u r single there are really alot of things u can do... party till next morning without reporting to ur gf, drink till dead drunk and not being afraid ur gf will be angry and talk to others in the club and dun feeling guilty or afraid ur gf might get jealous. I was out partying again on sat.. party before i start my exam, drink quite a bit with some frens. I arrange to meet someone at the party.. and i long to meet that persons because that person create my interests in her. So after so many upz and downz.. we finally met.. and erm.. she impress me.. in some way.. We didnt talk much cause we cant talk in the club.. erm.. i am abit tongue tight cause i have not been really talking to someone ever since DT.. our moment dont last long she left within 10min cause her frens are around and i dont wan to hold her back too.

I told myself.. gosh.. i have been grinning at my hp ever since she msg me... and when i see her i grin even wider. I told myself this is the sign of me falling for someone.. Did i really fall for that her??? i dunno.. than my fren ask me a very funny qus.. is her surname TAN again.. than i faster go scan through FB... BINGO!!! The TAN family again... damn it!!! i dunno WTH i still fall for another TAN.. but anyway it is just the 1side liking.. she didnt reply my msg ever since sat night. I shld take it slow and easy because i am afraid to committed again..

2011-04-09T01:17:00.002+08:00

I have done my part as a sister, everything is fated as it is. Sometime i wonder why r u so different from others, why must u do things that upset others. Why cant u just behave like other kids or just be urself. I cant help but to find someone to pour out my sorrow and of cause naturally i msg her. I know i shouldnt.. i know it all along but i dunno why the hell i did it again and again and again... my sister tell me this.. 'jie i cant be there for u when u need someone talk to or a shoulder to cry on' when i hear that i cry even more.. she say i must learn how to be accept loneliness and be myself.

SHe is still young, so much bright future ahead. There are so many dream and things for her to fulfill but she choose to lead this kind of life. Sometime i blame myself for indirectly leading her to this kind of life, when i see her i see myself back to when i was 17yr old. How much i dont like to go hm, how much i like to hang out with my shitty frens, Someone came to me and change me at that point of time, if i didnt take ur advice i think i will be more shitty than her.

Sometime i feel so jealous when my frens or gf have a so call prefect family. Although their family life are very simple, some might not be complete but i can feel love within their family. She used to ask me why i dont go hm and keep nagging me to go hm and etc.. but the main reason why i m not going hm because i dont feel love at hm. Everyone in my family is living in their own world, doing their own things. No one bother abt u and no one care. So when ppl always tell me end of the day family is the most important thing and they will only be there for u. I totally agree with that but when i think back when i really have emotion needs where are my family? They wasnt there for me when i needed those emotion needs.

Since things are fated in my sister life, i cant do much also. I only can wait for the judgement day and see how things is being judge in her life. Am i afraid of judgement day? myabe not.. cause i believe God dont judge ppl because we love him. My sister was asking me when i can bring her to overseas before ur judgement day.. she never have such a good life to go travel around the world like me.. to her love and money is her everythng. I was thinking since i bought the ticket for dee and she also wan to go for a trip soon, if i suggest thing to this to ask her to go travel with us do u think she will agree... I doubt so cause she will still think that i got feeling for her and etc.. she will say she is not comfortable with me and etc.. I dunno i will try to ask her.. since i already book so not much different to ask her to go.

2011-04-05T22:47:00.000+08:00

I miss those time when I hold your hand and write the secret msg on ur palm, the msg that only both of us know!!

2011-04-04T23:06:00.003+08:00

I was putting some stuff back to my drawer and found that piece of watch she gave it to me when we 1st got together. To me watch is a very personal thing, i can wear 1 watch till the batt die and i will change it again and again till it is not working. My longest watch lasted me for 5yrs till my very last accident, it was a very meaningful watch. When i saw that watch she gave me i stare at it for awhile, i think back to those time on how i was cheated or pretend not knowing that she is getting a gift for me. I am so glad that she gotten that watch and seriously she didnt wanna to give me in the 1st place cause she claim that the present is not complete yet, i wonder why but i didnt ask further. Soon after i gotten the present and i realize nothing much have change, she ask me to be detail with it than i will find the different. It took me awhile to find and i found the answer, it engrave ' I love u' - SP. I thought for very long what is 'SP' than i realize it was that nick name that i given to her.

From than onward the watch was with me day and night, all kind of events. Everytime when i miss her i will look at the watch cause i know she is always there for me. Even after we broke up the watch never fail to be with me at all, i will wear it everywhere i go. Until that very day i found out she have given her heart to that someone that is when the time have stop. The batt have died and i took so long so decide whether to go replace it anot.. but i think abt it again.. cause there is no point to replace the batt, it will still be the same.

I was watchless for abt 3 months, i couldnt take it so i decide to buy a watch to replace hers. I cant remember when is the last time i bought a watch for myself, i guess got more then 8yrs cause as i say every watch i have always have meaning in it. I also gotten her that watch just wondering is she still wearing it.. Watch represent the time we spend together, although it is short but is meaningful. The time we have together are 'lock' inside the watch, everytime u look at them u will bring back some memories. She used to complain why the time past so slow.. i told her a silly joke, because u keep looking at them and they are shy so they move slowly. I wish i can say those cold joke to her again..

2011-04-03T22:56:00.003+08:00

Today i went to haji lane for a walk / photo shooting, was passing by some places that i used to bring her over there. It is just like walking to some place where u used to hangout alot with her. I walk past that toy museum that i wanna to bring her go, past by that sleepy cafe where we used to hang around. She will start reading her book and i will just sit around with my coffee, we will just enjoy each other company even we dont talk. At that moment those feeling just came back to me, making wonder when will we be in good term again.

I was out clubbing last night, emotionally i randomly msg her. I expected what will the reply be but i dunno why the hell i will still msg her. After 2yrs of being in the drunk stated i was drunk last night. Not dead drunk but it is like totally not awake at all. She hate me to drink, especially in drunk stated. I promise her will not get drunk anot when i am with her. I kept that promise for 2yr, never get drunk after that 1 and only time i got drunk.

I saw her on thus, she look so tired in class. I cant help but to 'disturb her', see that sleepy face laying on the table it just make me wanna to to tell her off. I jus wanna to tell her go hm rest if she is tired but when i am back in class she left. So i msg her to tell her to rest early, i mean didnt expect a reply from her. It is hard for her to study and work together, plus now she is back in F&B industry it is very tiring for her.

If you ever read this blog just wanna to say i am still there for u as a friend, If you need anything just let me know. I am always there as long as i am still around.

2011-04-01T01:40:00.002+08:00

很久没有看到你的笑容, 忽然之间我不记得你样子

2011-03-30T00:12:00.003+08:00

I woke up this morning and turn to my right side and said: baby time to wake up, u gonna be late for work!!

I realise that it was just an illusion, there wasn't any of her around. I told myself.. Nightmare again?? I still remember when I was with her some nights I couldn't sleep well, I will wake up with nightmare. Alot time I will dream abt losing her, I will turn to her and hug her tight. This is to reassure that she is still by my side. Till the day I was back alone those nightmare stick with me thru the night. It is just so random but I felt so real.. This was lock in my mind for the day.

2011-03-28T00:18:00.001+08:00

There are something, somewhere, some smell or some incident that remind u of that special someone..

2011-03-23T01:13:00.001+08:00

Maybe my body language have show others the quiet side of myself, some ppl actually notice there is a slight change in my life after her. Ppl will suddenly concern more abt my life, asking what wrong and what happen. Why suddenly i am so down, not so bubbly and active like before. Someone told me this over the weekend: 誰知道美麗燦爛的微笑下隱藏著不是真正的快樂. I begin to think where did my smile go? where have the laughter gone to?

I dunno, i dunno where did it the smile gone to? I try very hard to find them but it doesnt always last long. Maybe she might have took away some of the smile and i am just back to myself before having her around. The snowman who dun wan to talk much, who trying very hard to learn how to be independent. I begin to tone down and learn how to be independent, the process it really long and hard to cope. It take alot of time and patient to really be independent and when u learn to be be independent meaning u r on ur own. You talk less and you do more.

I visited eggcow over the weekend, beside for not visiting her for the past 3 months i also wanna to talk to her cause i have a bad day. When i wrote her on the stack of eggcow's booklet i thought abt DT, whenever i miss eggcow i will pull her along with me to visit her. She know i value eggcow alot, i will talk non stop abt eggcow. I realise beside eggcow i have other 'frens' who are there too.. it is quite scary to go to this kind of places to visit ur frens, of cause the emo feeling make me cry on the spot.

Sometime i realise that the more u wan to get the things there will always be some problem happen, i begin to learn the i dont care attitude or cant be bother attitude. Doing what i should do and get everything right, no point blaming others. I read this somewhere: Don't get disappointed when God doesnt give you what you want... for he know the best time for you to have..

2011-03-18T03:04:00.000+08:00

I wish to whisper to your ear and tell u 1 secret.. I miss you!!

2011-03-15T23:28:00.004+08:00

I was browsing my absolut forum and looking through those post that i used to heavily addicted back than in the past... I realise that some most of the collection photos are taken at her place. Those classic blind drop, the chip off table and the nice purple background. Those time which i love to share my absolut happiness with her, when a new bottle arrive i will run toward her and proudly present my absolut for her. To be frank since we last broke up i so call 'stop' collecting absolut for a moment, no more new collection added in. I dunno izzit because i have lost interests in collecting (i doubt so) or maybe no one to share my joy with. I am still very proud to be an absolut collector, just that hope 1 day ppl will be happy whenever they receive the absolut. I guess the only thing so far i am happy is that i finally have done an absolut blog, a blog that it suppose to share it with her. If 1 day we open an absolut cafe that blog will come in handy!

*In an absolut world everyday is a surprise to me, my fav collection*

2011-03-15T01:08:00.006+08:00

met up with smartpig today, this is always ok as usual just that it is quieter than before. I forgot she got class today but anyway even if she dont have class today she also will not be free to meet. Smartpig miss that sillpig.. she feel sad when that sillypig dont even wan to reply her msg. Anyway i dont know what wrong with her, maybe she is really just busy. Today i wasnt in the mood to eat so didnt really take much food, i talk more than i eat :)

We walk the the singapore river just the 2 of us talking endlessly, talk my 'heart' out and crap alot of joke just like the good old days. To us we still living in the old office moment, still talking abt how we know each other, how was thing like before and now. At 1 moment as we walk together i realise i see sillypig in her, certain things smartpig do will remind me of her. Of cause she still on and off talk abt sillypig...

I am tired of being a nice snowman, i dont wish to be santa claus anymore.. always give and never receive. I am trying to learn to be selfish, learning the cant be bother skill. What is given i will take, what is provided i will learn to give back. Well still got abt 1month to go before my next holiday and 5months to go before the next piggy holiday (that if it is successful) whatever it is just let it be.